Malema Blames White People for Bringing Guns to South Africa
EFF leader Julius Malema stepped out into a crowded parking lot thismorning, flanked by loyal red-bereted supporters and a battalion of microphones, ready to deliver what experts are already calling “a historic redefinition of accountability.”
Wearing a sharply tailored, modern suit that screamed “court-ready but still revolutionary,” Malema addressed the media with the confidence of a man who had just discovered a brand-new chapter in the history books.
“Let me make this very clear,” he began, adjusting his now-famous rodent-themed necklace. “Black people did not invent guns. We were minding our own business—probably herding cattle or inventing rhythm—when suddenly, boom, guns arrive. Who brought them? You know who.”
He paused dramatically, scanning the crowd as if expecting a round of applause, or at least a confused nod.
Behind him, a few loyal Economic Freedom Fighters members nodded vigorously, one of them whispering, “It makes sense if you don’t think about it too hard.”
Malema went on to explain that the presence of firearms in South Africa is part of a broader historical conspiracy that includes load shedding, potholes, and the mysterious disappearance of Tupperware lids.
“Even this case,” he continued, gesturing vaguely toward the courthouse in the distance, “is not about me. It is about history. It is about who brought the gun into the room in the first place. If there were no guns, there would be no case. Simple.”
Legal analysts nearby were seen aggressively rethinking their careers.
The statement comes as Malema faces possible sentencing in a firearm-related case that could have serious implications for his political future. Prosecutors are reportedly pushing for a heavy sentence, while his legal team argues for leniency, insisting the incident was more “symbolic enthusiasm” than anything else.
At one point during the impromptu press conference, a journalist attempted to ask a follow-up question about responsibility. Malema responded by pointing at a parked Toyota Corolla and declaring, “Also imported.”
As the crowd struggled to process the expanding list of historical grievances, Malema concluded his address with a rallying cry:
“We must decolonize everything—including blame!”
He then stepped into a waiting vehicle, leaving behind a swirl of dust, microphones, and at least three journalists quietly Googling, “Who invented guns, actually?”
Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical and intended for entertainment purposes only. It does not reflect real statements or positions held by any individuals mentioned.
